Playing in the leaves!

Shaelyn looking ADORABLE and Skittles after a nice bath.

My great news!

Life should be a little less drama filled from now on. I have been having a really hard time dealing with Shaelyn's dad and I decided that I needed to free myself of the pain. I talked with him and told him that becuase of the drama and the abuse that I have been putting up with, I have decided to look over the divorce papers and give him visitation rights of only what they say I should. No more of this giving him more than he deserves stuff that I always seem to do. I feel sorry for him and I give into him. No more.
I told him that he is able to see her every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. He is welcome to call her anytime he wants. He is also abel to visit her one time for a few hours each week. But because he does not pay child support he will have to pay for the cost of her traveling back and forth. I am sick of doing both of our parts.
There is a lot more to the story but some things just do not need to be repeated. All I am going to say is that Shaelyn deserves so much more than what he gives her. She deserves a Dad that will love her always and forever. She is more important than anything in the world. She is more important than any amount of money and I would never give her up.
Well after our conversation he came up with a solution to his problem. He has decided to just not see her. He has said that he cannot deal with those terms so he is done.
I hope it sticks. I hope he is not going to be one of those dads that come in and out of her life. I hope that he really is going to disappear out of her life. She will be so much better off without the drama of his world. He treated her well but she deserves better.
I truly hope and pray that he really is gone. It will be better for her if he leaves now instead of later. She deserves a better life than this and I am going to give it to her.

The Five Love Languages

This is a book written by Gary Chapman. It is about how different personalities express love in different ways. There are five different ways in which we speak our love. The five areas include: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. There is a test online that you can take so you can know which love language fits you. Just go to http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp and take the test!

Even if you do not buy the book it is really cool to know what language you speak. But the book goes into detail about your language and the others so that you can speak other peoples also. Knowing another persons language can help you show your love for them. If I love by doing things for you and you feel loved by me saying kind words than even if I love you, you are not feeling my love because we are speaking different languages. It is a great book... :)

So I took the test and this was my score:

Words of Affirmation 23% or 7 points

Quality Time 27% or 8 points

Receiving Gifts 0% or 0 points

Acts of Service 13% or 4 points

Physical Touch 37% or 11 points

My primary Love Language is Physical Touch and my second would be both Words of Affirmation and Quality. When I sit and think about it... It is dead on! I need the hand holding, hugs, cuddling, and even just that kiss on the cheek. During a movie I need to be next to you to feel your feelings for me. But at the same time I also need the words that say I think you are great and I need the quality time together. When I am interested in someone I try to spend as much time as I can with them. I like to know that they want to spend time with me also.

So I know what my Love Language is. It makes complete sense. I am now reading this book so that I can learn to speak someone else's. I want to be able to show the person I fall in love with that I love them. But in the way that they feel loved. I want to continue to love even after the honeymoon stage. I want the mature love that lasts forever.

This post is going to be a little different than most of my others. I am a little frustrated lately.

I lived with a guy for 4 years that said he loved me. I did everything for him. I changed my enitre life for him. I stopped talking to friends, family and even just people that tried to chat. I changed my look and my attitude. I did all of this for him. Why? Because I thought we were in Love and I was trying to be his everything. I tried being the person he wanted me to be. I worked full time and hardly saw any of the money. It went towards his toys, habits, and hobbies. I gave him everything. Well to much of everyone's surprise we got divorced because it just wasn't working out... (Surprise!) Obviously there is a lot more to that.

I loved him. I gave him everything. I gave him my whole heart. A part of my heart will always be with him. He is the father of my daughter and we spent 4 years together. We cried and laughed together. Yes I have moved on but it still hurts.

Every few months he calls, texts, or talks to me about how he misses me. Talks about how beautiful I am and that he loves me and will always love me. He say's he would love for us to try again.

Are you kidding me?! After four years of tears and heartache he wants to try again? I loved him but will never be in love with him again. After all the pain I was put through it is almost sickening think of being apart of that life again.

But it still hurts. It hurts to hear him say I love you. It was so hard to say goodbye. Still to this day it makes me cry jsut thinking about the fact that I could not make us work. I know I did everything in my power. Why could he have not loved me more? Why could he have not cared about us just a little more? Could he not see that he was killing me inside? Did he really even care? All these thoughts and more go through my mind and make all the feelings of the past come back.

He can still make me cry and I hate it. I hate the effect that he can have on me. He has no idea what it was like trying to make us work. He has no idea how much I really loved him. I mean I hope he doesn't because if he did and still treated me that way, shame on him!

Holidays are so hard when you do not have someone to love adn hold through them. Couldn't he just forget about us and move on for good? It would sure make my feelings a lot easier to handle.

Sorry about the depressing blog today but I needed to get it out...

Richard C. Edgley

Choose faith over doubt,

choose faith over fear,

choose faith over the unknown and the unseen,

and choose faith over pessimism.

Friendship

The nicest place in all the world is right beside a friend.

A friend is one who creates a circle of belonging, a sacred space in which all is safe, all is calm, all is good.

Sharing laughter, sharing tears, sharing triumphs, sharing fears, growing closer through the years... true friendship is forever.

There are not many thigns in life as beautiful as true friendship, and there are not many things more uncommon.

A real friend listens with their heart and nevers stops believing in you even if you give up on yourself.

I like to think that we are sent special friends to share our lives, very special friends we can be ourselves with, talk with, laugh with, hope with... special friends like you.

A friend understands the unspoken thougths in your heart.

I thought I would share some inspiring friendship quotes with others. Sometimes we just need a remind of how important it is to have good, true friends. But it is more important to be a true friend. Be there no matter what. Do not believe the rumors. Do not ever give up on them. Stop talking and just listen too. True friends love you no matter what. They are there to lift you up, not bring you down. I have a great friend. A true friend. I am so glad she is in my life. Unlike some people I was lucky enough to find her. I love you too!

Joshua 1:9

Be STRONG and of a good COURAGE, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee.

Halloween Pictures done by Kara!

This photo shoot was really fun. Although Shaelyn was not wanting to be there and sit there for it, they turned out great! I am so happy I was able to capture these moments of her. Holidays are hard when you know you will not have your child for the same holiday next year. So we did everything we coudl think of to make this year great! We did pictures, a maze, train ride, pumpkin patch, little zoo, redneck trampoline, trunk-or-treating, and we even made cookies together. This holiday was great! I am so glad I was able to spend Halloween with her.

Halloween!

Halloween!!!

Shaelyn came home from her Dads house and had a surprise waiting for her! She got to meet Skittles for the first time and had a blast being attacked and attacking. Little Lottie also had a fun time attacking Shaelyn since she had not seen her in a few days.

Halloween Pumkins!

Shaelyn had such a fun time decorating with stickers, cookie cutters, and markers. I too had such a great time spending time with her. It is the simple moments like these that make you so proud to be a parent. It just makes all those bad days so worth it. Holidays are really hard sometimes but I am so thankful for my

Shaelyn. She brings so much joy to my life. Moments like these, I think at least, are more for the parents than the children. We get so much from spending time with are dearest ones.

I somehow did not get a picture of the heart she made out of the star stickers. She is growing up so much. She was putting stickers on the pumpkin then says mommy I made a heart. Now, I am thinking oh fun I wonder with this is going to look like... She is four in January. I look and it looks like a heart! She makes me smile so much just watching her grow.

Fall Colors!

Halloween Nails!

Skittles!!!

Skittles and Little Lottie

Picking Skittles up!

Reputation is what men and women think of us;

character is what God and angels know of us.

Thomas Paine

It requires less character to discover the faults of others,

than to tolerate them.

J. Petit Senn

The only way of finding the limits of the possible

is by going beyond them into the impossible.

Arthur C. Clarke

Sunrise in Zion

Moving Forward

You know how sometimes you feel like just giving up? I mean think about all the thoughts that go through your mind.
"It really isn't going to happen for you".
"All the good guys are gone".
"You might just have to settle."
"Your being too picky".

You never hear yourself say...
"Wow so many great guys to choose from."
"This guy is too perfect".

Why is finding a good guy so hard? I mean ya there are decent guys out there to date but they never seem to be right for me. There was this guy that I dated that I wanted to fall for. He was smart, fun, established, and cute. But the connection was not there. So we went our seperate ways.

Someone asked my mom a couple months ago if I was just being too picky... What is considered being picky?
Wanting...
a guy who can take me to the temple?
a guy that accepts me for who I am and knows who I was?
a guy that makes me feel special?
a guy that wants to spend tons of time with me?
a guy that has goals and asperations?
a guy that wants children?
a guy that is willing to give 110% to our relationship?
a guy that I have a connection with?
a guy that will be a good father?

I just do not see how any of those attributes are me being picky. I think that they are pretty normal. It is not like I am asking for a rich, certain height, eye color, skin color, hair color, or anything else along those lines.

I just want to feel loved and needed.

I swear the last few guys that I have dated have made me want to give up on the thought of finding that guy. They might have opened doors, paid for the date, been smart, funny, and fun, but they were lacking in integrity. Respect is huge in my world. Should be huge in the lives of everyone.

My life was full of disrespect and I know now how important it is. Especially when I have a daughter to think about. Being disrespected and/or the feeling of being used is horrible.

Everyone deserves the chance to find the one that will treat them good no matter what.

I know that God is watching out for me. I know that he has a plan for me. I just wish I knew the plan. How many bad apples do I have to bite into to find the ripe one? How long am I suppose to wait? Am I going to be single till I am 30?

Being single is not horrible but having someone is so much nicer.

Nights are less lonely.
Mornings are a little brighter.
Days seem to be less stressful.
Conflicts seem to be okay.

Like I said I know that God is watching out for me. I know He has a plan and I need to be patient. I need to put my Faith in Him and remember that everything will work out.

Still living at home with my parents is hard. I LOVE them to death but I am 25 and need to be on my own. I need to feel like life is moving forward. I mean it is. I have made so much progress in my life in the last year.
I made it to the Temple and was able to take out my endowments.
I have made friends that I love and appreciate.
I have learned to be a better Mother, daughter, sister, friend, and just a better person all around.

I can look in the mirror and finally see the person that God knew I could be. I mean I have a lot of work still but at least I can smile back at myself.

I deserve a great guy. My daughter deserves a great father. I want it and I will have it.

I will not settle for your average Joe. I am not your average Jane. I deserve the best and I will wait for it.

I am worth it!

Waiting for Lightning

Standing on the edge of the truth
Looking out at the view
Of all you used to believe
Form where you are you can see you're far away from home
Echoes of the life you once knew
Call out to yo from across the divide
And you know it's time to step back over the line
But are you...

Waiting for lightning
A sign that it's time for a change
And you're listening for thunder
While He quietly whispers your name

Night falls and the curtain goes down
There's no one around
It's just you and the truth
As you lie in wait
for a feeling to take you by storm
Somewhere in the depths of your heart
Where it's empty and dark
There's a flicker of light
And the spirit calls
but do you notice at all
Or are you...

Waiting for lightning
A sign that it's time for a change
And you're listening for thunder
While He quietly whispers your name

But the sign and the word
Have already been given
And now it's by faith
We must look and we must listen
Instead of...

Waiting for lightning
A sign that it's time for a change
And you're listening for thunder
While He quietly whispers your name

Dancing at the Electric Theatre

October Relief Society Board

Dancing

Brinley Schear

Driving to work!

Dating games

So I was chatting with a friend of mine and she needed some dating tips... Well I am not in a relationship so I am not to sure about getting advice from me! But I gave it anyways.
For some reason games work. They are not the immature high school games that I am talking about. Guys are hard to read. They may say they want to take you out again without you even mentioning it and they really do not mean it. Some guys do mean it. I do not understand the purpose of telling a girl you wanna take her out again when you have no intentions of it. So through my dating experiences I have come up with a great way to tell if the guy means it so your not sitting around and waiting for him to finally tell you he is not interested or whatever.
We all know the guy is more than likely going to respond to your text whether he likes you or not. Guys are not that mean to just ignore you. Well most aren't (hehe). Before he or you ends the conversation you need to pipe in and say something along the lines of "Hey, it was good hearing from you, get ahold of me if you wanna hangout." This is putting the next step into their court. DO NOT TEXT THEM! If they do not text you or call you... They are not interested! Plain and simple. You might be a great girl or guy (yes you guys can use it too) but you may just not be their type. Now it is time to get over it and move on... Find a new one to date or just hangout with the girls. Life is not over. He was not your last chance. But hopefully he did get ahold of you. That is when you know they are interested in you or at least intrigued enough to want to get to know you a little more.
I just thought I would share a little bit of what I go through and do. It really does work. I had a great time with this guy named umm we will call him John. John was cute, fun, charming, and very intriguing to me. We went on a few "dates" and hung out a couple times. The time I saw him I was kinda iffy on whether or not he was into me. So I did the whole "well if you wanna do something next week, just get ahold me." He never called or text me. Was it a little heartbreaking? kinda... But there I was at Dennys 3 days later meeting a new guy. Life goes on.

I may be sensitive, but I am not weak!


What a great statement to think about and remember always!

Superchick Stand in the Rain

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,

feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,

the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from

wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

Stand through the pain You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

HALLOWEEN IS ALMOST HERE!!!!

Hole in my sidewalk

I walk down a street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am helpless.
It is not my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.

I walk down th same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
Iget out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in teh sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.

By Portia Nelson

Color

Which is better? To have lived in color or shades of grey? I can honestly say that I wish I had lived in grey. But I also think that I would not be who I am without the color I added to my life. Color brought me to my knees. Color showed me who I did not want to be. Color brought my daughter. Color molded me into the grey I am now. But color hurt. Color brought me down. Color showed me things I wish I never saw. Color brought me pain.
People who have lived grey lives are so special. They were and are able to continue through live without ever faultering. Without having to play with the red they lived and loved grey. They never faulted from God.
I wish I could say that I always trusted God and his Plan. I wish I could say that I never put myself before Him. I did. I did for years. But who is to say that the person who never faultered is better than the one who did? I believe we are equal. At least in the sight of God.
Ya I have stories that I hide and pieces of me that I try to keep vaulted up, but they made me who I am today. My color brought me back home. Ya I wish I could have been the person that lived their live in grey, but I cannot and that is okay.
I have learned so many things in my life. I have seen and been through things that a lot of people will never have to see or go through. I have seen pain, abuse, and tears. I have been to the very bottom and back. I have loved and loved hard with hardly anything in return.
I have also seen strength and courage. I have felt warmth and tenderness. I have felt true love from God and wish that everyone could feel it. I hope that my color will somehow help others the way it helped me. I hope that my daughter will be the kind of person that can learn from others mistakes. Like her mothers... But if she does faulter she will still be loved. She will always be able to come home.
Because that is what love is. Loving no matter what. Loving the good and the bad. Helping each other grow and move forward. Bringing the best out of each other instead of the worst. She will always be loved and welcome in my arms. No matter what. I can already see that she is going to be a great teacher and example for me. I just hope my color does not hurt her more than it already has.

Well some good news came today. David is having a little boy that is due in January. Shaelyn is going to have a little brother. It is exciting but sad at the same time. Exciting because of a new life and a new family is being started, but sad because reality sometimes hurts. Shaelyn is going to have a hard life. All because I made bad choices. She is going to have two families who live completely different lives. I hope and pray that I am able to help her through all the hard times. Another hard or sad thing is that my family is gone. Yes, it has been for over a year but it still hurts to know that I could not make it work. I guess it just reminds me, haunts me, that if I could have only made things work that my family would still be together. I am not saying that I would ever go back. I would not. I am so happy now. I just miss the family that I had. Maybe just the thought of family. Like the thought of "that should have been me". Not the thought of I should be having his kid but I should be happily married and having more children. Well whatever, life goes on. I am patient lol... NOT! hehe. I told Shaelyn today and she got mad told me that she does not want a brother! She wants a sister! She does not like brothers! It made me laugh because coming from an only child of 3 1/2 years it was pretty cute. Like she knew that she got to choose. My girl is so cute. Her smile helps get me through each day.

MY QUILT!!!

I started making this quilt about 2 weeks ago and finished it last night. I started with only my brain for the pattern. It took me about 4 nights of a few hours to make it. This one is going to be given to my girl Shaelyn. Not bad for a first timer! I am now going to go buy material for matching aprons!!! I know my friend showed me one and it was way cute! Can you believe I am a regular homemaker! haha that was hilarious!

I went on a campout this weekend and had a blast. My friend Melissa came with me and I am glad she did. I would not have gone other wise. I was able to meet new people and get out of my little bubble of shyness for at least a weekend. Something that really hit me this weekend was something that was said during a spiritual thought by an old friend. He talked about how he might have been able to help someone stay in the church if he had not been ashamed of them and had just been their friend. I have this friend that wanted to be going to church with me and I took this person a few times but really did not want them there. I was just starting to go back to church and I did not want other people to think that I was like this person. I was reminded that everyone needs a little help sometimes and it is through our hands that His miracles or blessings can come true. I hope I will start to be the friend that this person deserves. I had a friend a long time ago that started going back to church and I was not yet ready. She did something that was unexcusable and just threw me away like I was nothing because I was not willing to change with her. I hope I can be a better person than that. People just need you to be there for them no matter what, like my Mom. She is the most wonderful person in the world. A lot of people do not really know my story, but here is a little peak at it. I fell away from the church when I was about 17 years old. I tried going back many times but was never really ready to. I married someone that I was completely in love with and he was even baptized into the church. We were married for a little over 3 years and we had a beautiful little girl. A year ago last week, I think, my Mom found out she had cancer. It was devastating. I got mad at Him. My mom does everything she is suppose to and yet he was willing to let her go through this. Then I went to see her. She was happy and not what I was expecting. She was strong and scared at the same time. She knew that He would help her through it and He would ease her pain. Before I left that day she asked me to make her a promise. That promise was to start going back to church and to make sure her granddaughter grew up in the church. I said I would. She was going through Kemo and Raditaion. She was throwing up and miserable. Yet, all she wanted was for me to come back to Him. All she cared about was me returning to church. She is wonderful and miraculous. through her hands He helped me. I went home that day and my life had completely changed. My husband was unsupportive and hurtful. I prayed for the first time in a long time and I knew what I was suppose to do. It took me about a week of fighting it but I asked him to leave and that I wanted a divorce. God never said it would be easy, but He did say it would be worth it. 6 to 7 months later my Mom sat beside me while I took out my endowment. I think about my life and where I might be if I had not made the changes that I needed. All I do is then smile because I did. I made the changes and I am happier now than I have ever been. Some people are able to live their lives with a testimony that never faltered. I was not one of those people. It took my world being turned upside down a few times before I was able to see. But I promise you that I will never turn my back on Him again. I wake up every day knowing that I am doing my best and I am happy because of it. I started listening to this Christian rock band called Fireflight. The song "What I've Overcome" has great meaning to me and if you get a chance listen to it on youtube.com. "I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome." Those words mean so much to me. I love the Gospel and everything that comes with it. My testimony may be as simple as a child's, but it is strong and immovable. I thank God for giving His son to us to give us a chance to come home to Him one day. I thank Jesus for giving up his life for us. I thank and love Him for giving me that 2nd or 10th chance that I needed. Life is still hard but I am not going through it alone anymore. I am thankful for the scriptures and the stories that I am able to read about everyday. They bring new perspectives to my life and help me get through. I am thankful for the ability to pray and ask for help. Prayer keeps me going. It reminds me that He is there just waiting for me to come home to him. I know that when life is hard for me at times that he is right there with me crying because I am. I know that I am going to make it home to Him. It is going to be tough, but I will. Trying to rasie a daughter is hard. Trying to go to school and work full time is hard. Trying to start my own business is hard. Trying to do all those things at once is even harder. But I am doing it and I know that I would not be where I am now if it were not for His guidance and His blessings. I hope that one day I can be His hands for someone else like my Mom was for me. I am sorry this is so long but I just have so much inside that I just felt I needed to get out.

Shaelyn and Mom

Shaelyn