Zion National Park

A couple weekends ago we were able to drive up to Zion and spend a couple hours there. We did the Parus Trail and saw some pretty awesome bucks for this side of Zion. Of course they were not spooked by us and we were able to get really close. I of course waited behind until I knew they were not going to attack and eat me... : )

We also were able to take the kids through the tunnel and they had a blast. We have taken them though it a couple time now and they love it. Since this time of year is not busy we were able to stop in the middle of it where there were no windows and turn off all our lights. They thought it was the coolest thing ever. O to be a kid again!

Bowling

All of us just having a great time bowling. Stef, Jason, Kyla, Bracken, Jazmyn, Lacie, and my family were all there. Kids had a blast and it was fun watching them learn how to play.

Fun Pics of the Kids

The kids love playing roles.

You ride that bull!

O ya cowgirl!

Wow! I have no idea.... But totally cute!

Fun Christmas Decor

Yes! I totally decorated the wood stove :)

This was part of my Moms set. I love it.

This was my Moms nativity. Really beautiful.

Just a Christmas decoration I put together :) Yes I know.... PINK! hehe

Cute things I have made this past month!

Well this one is just my table that I decorated. The backs of the chairs are decorated with fabric and beads.

This is the carrying case for the caterpillar. I embroidered her name at the bottom.

This purse is obviously to match the dress I made her.

I really cute dress I made, that I just love!

I cute caterpillar! yes handmade!


All these handmade items are for Shae's birthday. She turns 5 next month! Ya I know crazy!

So... Ya I know! I have slacked off way bad on my blog! I am totally going to try and catch ya'll up on things... I am MARRIED!!!! haha I know! Crazy! I married a great guy! His naem is Kurt McMahon. Yup the guy that I was totally dying over a few months ago. lol. I now have a cute and fun little boy named Brantsyn. Well he is my stepson but I treat him as my own. He is almost 4 years old. Yup that means I pretty much have twins.
Shaelyn loves Kurt. He is so good with her. When he gets home from work she jumps all over him. I have really great in-laws that just excepted me with open arms.
Well the bad news of the past couple months... My Mom's cancer came back and it came back full force. She is in stage four of cervical cancer. But anything is possible and miracles are never impossible. Honestly another miracle would be asking for a lot but guess what... I will never stop praying for one. He is capable of anything and miracles are his specailty :)
Well I had shaelyn for a straight 6 weeks I think. She is so good. She has been so happy. I know that bringing in a guy that can really be a dad to her and be there for her all the time has really made a change in her life. She does not get angry as much and she is just so much happier. I love her and I hope that my decisions will be good for her.

A new day.

So I am doing better. Not a lot better but I am moving forward. I have to admit that I saw him. I really could not focus without thinking of him. I felt like I was going to die without him. He made me so happy. He was so great. He is going to make a girl very happy one day.

I felt like after making the decision to leave him that the Lord had abandoned me. I was in such a bad way that I thought maybe I had made the wrong decision. You could see what I was going through from my previous entry but times it by 100 by the time Sunday came around. I asked for a Bishops blessing for comfort. I called "him" later that day and went to him. It felt so good to see him. It felt so good to be in his arms again. But something felt wrong. I could not figure it out. I just knew my heart was finally not aching.

I went to the temple yesterday, fasted, and went to see my Bishop again. I was still very confused. I could not figure out why I was not receiving an answer to something that was so important. Is he the one? I still felt abandoned. I went home and spoke with my mom. We talked for a while. She explained to me things that I did not think about myself.

I already knew the answer. The Lord did not abandon me. He was simply waiting for me to realize that He already told me what I needed to do. I was questioning the Lord. I was questioning His answer to me. I knew what I needed to do. I knew that I needed to leave him.

I did not want to. I wanted to go back to him. I loved him. I gave him my whole heart. I wanted to marry him and I did not want to listen to the Lord. I wanted the Lord to change His answer. That is why I was not receiving any answers later. I did not want the answer He already gave me.

So after all that I broke up with him AGAIN. Although we did say that we were going to take it slow this time and we were not going to jump into it. So we were technically not "together" but you know what I mean.

The last few weeks have been so hard. I know that I truly love him. But for whatever reason... It is not right. I dunno how I am going to handle it this time. But I do know that the Lord is here for me. That He is helping me overcome this pain. The Lord loves me and He would never abandon me. So I will not abandon Him.

I need to have faith in Him. That He has a plan for me. It may not be what I want right now but I will be happy later. When? Only He knows that. I just need to trust Him. I need to TRUST that He will come through with his promises to me. I just need to hold onto Him.

Today is a new day and I will hold my head up. Tears may be in my eyes, but my head will be held up high. I deserve to be happy. I deserve the path that the Lord has for me. At least I can say that I trust Him and I love Him. More than I love myself. For the first time in my life I can say that I am showing my Heavenly Father that I love Him more than myself.

I am not perfect. I will make more mistakes. But He will still love me. So I need to show Him that I love Him.

I am back :)

Well I went to Washington and had a blast! Getting to spend 16 days with my sisters and their families was amazing. The three of us went to the Temple in Kennewick and did sealings. It was the first time any of us had gone in with each other. It was an amazing feeling. Being there and knowing that we will make it, together. I am so thankful for my family. They are always there when I need them. They support me in everything that I do. They love me no matter what and I can turn to them for anything. They gave me advice and support while I was there and it felt great to be able to just talk to them.
I am still hurting though. Up until 9 days ago I was still talking to him. He wanted to be friends. But he was still telling me that he loved me. Wanting to see me when I came home. It hurt so much to say goodbye to him. I loved him. Love him still. I can honestly say that only 2 days in the past three weeks have gone by without tears. 2 days! I miss him like crazy. There is not a time during the day that goes by without the hope and longing for a text from him or call. But I also do not want it. We need to be apart. But I hate it. I go to WalMart and think of him. I drive down the road hoping to get just a glance of him driving past. He lives a mile and a half away and I cannot see him. I thought that the time away would get me over him. That maybe he was just a phase. Maybe he would be like the other guys and I would get over him easily. I thought wrong. I am home and so close to him. I cannot imagine what tomorrow will be like when I know he is not going to be in it.
I miss his family. His brother and sisters. His son and his parents. I miss the way he treated my girl. I miss the way they played. I miss the way he helped when I was unable to control her. I miss everything about him. I miss how he spent all day with me at work when there he could have been doing anything else. I miss the way he would pull my ring off my right hand and place it on my left. I miss his crazy playing. I miss his closeness. I miss his kiss. I even miss his unshaved kisses. I miss being held by him. I miss saying goodbye everynight when we both wanted to stay together and never have to say goodbye. I miss his eyes. I miss falling for him everytime we spoke. I miss him. I miss us.
How do you let go of something that made you feel this way? How do you move on from what feels like your whole world?

Dating

Well the dating life continues...

I was dating this really great guy who's name I will leave out haha. He was respectful, sweet, loving, caring, a good dad, friend, brother, and son. We dated for about a month. We were literally together every single day. We never missed a day. We loved spending time together. He was even great with my daughter. His whole family was perfect. They accepted me with open arms.
Then comes the moment that I hate. One day I will love. But right now I hate. Prayer. For a few days I was starting to question our relationship and wondered if it was right. There is a lot more to this but I will not be going into detail. I fasted, prayed, and was given a blessing. I loved this guy. With my whole heart. I was willing and wanting to marry him. The answer I was given was not what I wanted. He is not the one. Why?!
I broke it off without real explanation. I mean you cannot tell a guy you are breaking up because you prayed about it and they are not the one. So I gave reasons which were sound and true but not the main reason.
I have not stopped crying. I mean I went to the Temple yesterday to see Melissa go through to receive her endowments. I went to her dinner. I even went dancing. All night and before and after each activity I did I cried my eyes out. I even cried 3 times while at the dance factory because he showed up there. I cried all last night and finally got some sleep when I was suppose to be at church. When anyone brings him up I break down and cry.
My sisters heard that I was having a really hard time and they have decided to fly me out to see them. I am so thankful for family and friends. Shaelyn and I will have a good time. I need the getaway and Shaelyn will have a blast with her aunts and cousins.
It is funny to me that I always seem to run away when I am having a hard time. I usually go see April for a few days or head to Vegas. I will be heading to Washington State on the 20th and coming home on the 30th.
I cannot wait to see my family. I miss them so much. I wish I could find a job as great as the one I have there. I would move away in a heartbeat if I could. Well maybe not since I am such a momma's girl. Plus I have such great friends here too.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Playing in the leaves!

Shaelyn looking ADORABLE and Skittles after a nice bath.

My great news!

Life should be a little less drama filled from now on. I have been having a really hard time dealing with Shaelyn's dad and I decided that I needed to free myself of the pain. I talked with him and told him that becuase of the drama and the abuse that I have been putting up with, I have decided to look over the divorce papers and give him visitation rights of only what they say I should. No more of this giving him more than he deserves stuff that I always seem to do. I feel sorry for him and I give into him. No more.
I told him that he is able to see her every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. He is welcome to call her anytime he wants. He is also abel to visit her one time for a few hours each week. But because he does not pay child support he will have to pay for the cost of her traveling back and forth. I am sick of doing both of our parts.
There is a lot more to the story but some things just do not need to be repeated. All I am going to say is that Shaelyn deserves so much more than what he gives her. She deserves a Dad that will love her always and forever. She is more important than anything in the world. She is more important than any amount of money and I would never give her up.
Well after our conversation he came up with a solution to his problem. He has decided to just not see her. He has said that he cannot deal with those terms so he is done.
I hope it sticks. I hope he is not going to be one of those dads that come in and out of her life. I hope that he really is going to disappear out of her life. She will be so much better off without the drama of his world. He treated her well but she deserves better.
I truly hope and pray that he really is gone. It will be better for her if he leaves now instead of later. She deserves a better life than this and I am going to give it to her.

The Five Love Languages

This is a book written by Gary Chapman. It is about how different personalities express love in different ways. There are five different ways in which we speak our love. The five areas include: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. There is a test online that you can take so you can know which love language fits you. Just go to http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp and take the test!

Even if you do not buy the book it is really cool to know what language you speak. But the book goes into detail about your language and the others so that you can speak other peoples also. Knowing another persons language can help you show your love for them. If I love by doing things for you and you feel loved by me saying kind words than even if I love you, you are not feeling my love because we are speaking different languages. It is a great book... :)

So I took the test and this was my score:

Words of Affirmation 23% or 7 points

Quality Time 27% or 8 points

Receiving Gifts 0% or 0 points

Acts of Service 13% or 4 points

Physical Touch 37% or 11 points

My primary Love Language is Physical Touch and my second would be both Words of Affirmation and Quality. When I sit and think about it... It is dead on! I need the hand holding, hugs, cuddling, and even just that kiss on the cheek. During a movie I need to be next to you to feel your feelings for me. But at the same time I also need the words that say I think you are great and I need the quality time together. When I am interested in someone I try to spend as much time as I can with them. I like to know that they want to spend time with me also.

So I know what my Love Language is. It makes complete sense. I am now reading this book so that I can learn to speak someone else's. I want to be able to show the person I fall in love with that I love them. But in the way that they feel loved. I want to continue to love even after the honeymoon stage. I want the mature love that lasts forever.

This post is going to be a little different than most of my others. I am a little frustrated lately.

I lived with a guy for 4 years that said he loved me. I did everything for him. I changed my enitre life for him. I stopped talking to friends, family and even just people that tried to chat. I changed my look and my attitude. I did all of this for him. Why? Because I thought we were in Love and I was trying to be his everything. I tried being the person he wanted me to be. I worked full time and hardly saw any of the money. It went towards his toys, habits, and hobbies. I gave him everything. Well to much of everyone's surprise we got divorced because it just wasn't working out... (Surprise!) Obviously there is a lot more to that.

I loved him. I gave him everything. I gave him my whole heart. A part of my heart will always be with him. He is the father of my daughter and we spent 4 years together. We cried and laughed together. Yes I have moved on but it still hurts.

Every few months he calls, texts, or talks to me about how he misses me. Talks about how beautiful I am and that he loves me and will always love me. He say's he would love for us to try again.

Are you kidding me?! After four years of tears and heartache he wants to try again? I loved him but will never be in love with him again. After all the pain I was put through it is almost sickening think of being apart of that life again.

But it still hurts. It hurts to hear him say I love you. It was so hard to say goodbye. Still to this day it makes me cry jsut thinking about the fact that I could not make us work. I know I did everything in my power. Why could he have not loved me more? Why could he have not cared about us just a little more? Could he not see that he was killing me inside? Did he really even care? All these thoughts and more go through my mind and make all the feelings of the past come back.

He can still make me cry and I hate it. I hate the effect that he can have on me. He has no idea what it was like trying to make us work. He has no idea how much I really loved him. I mean I hope he doesn't because if he did and still treated me that way, shame on him!

Holidays are so hard when you do not have someone to love adn hold through them. Couldn't he just forget about us and move on for good? It would sure make my feelings a lot easier to handle.

Sorry about the depressing blog today but I needed to get it out...

Richard C. Edgley

Choose faith over doubt,

choose faith over fear,

choose faith over the unknown and the unseen,

and choose faith over pessimism.

Friendship

The nicest place in all the world is right beside a friend.

A friend is one who creates a circle of belonging, a sacred space in which all is safe, all is calm, all is good.

Sharing laughter, sharing tears, sharing triumphs, sharing fears, growing closer through the years... true friendship is forever.

There are not many thigns in life as beautiful as true friendship, and there are not many things more uncommon.

A real friend listens with their heart and nevers stops believing in you even if you give up on yourself.

I like to think that we are sent special friends to share our lives, very special friends we can be ourselves with, talk with, laugh with, hope with... special friends like you.

A friend understands the unspoken thougths in your heart.

I thought I would share some inspiring friendship quotes with others. Sometimes we just need a remind of how important it is to have good, true friends. But it is more important to be a true friend. Be there no matter what. Do not believe the rumors. Do not ever give up on them. Stop talking and just listen too. True friends love you no matter what. They are there to lift you up, not bring you down. I have a great friend. A true friend. I am so glad she is in my life. Unlike some people I was lucky enough to find her. I love you too!

Joshua 1:9

Be STRONG and of a good COURAGE, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee.

Halloween Pictures done by Kara!

This photo shoot was really fun. Although Shaelyn was not wanting to be there and sit there for it, they turned out great! I am so happy I was able to capture these moments of her. Holidays are hard when you know you will not have your child for the same holiday next year. So we did everything we coudl think of to make this year great! We did pictures, a maze, train ride, pumpkin patch, little zoo, redneck trampoline, trunk-or-treating, and we even made cookies together. This holiday was great! I am so glad I was able to spend Halloween with her.

Halloween!

Halloween!!!

Shaelyn came home from her Dads house and had a surprise waiting for her! She got to meet Skittles for the first time and had a blast being attacked and attacking. Little Lottie also had a fun time attacking Shaelyn since she had not seen her in a few days.

Halloween Pumkins!

Shaelyn had such a fun time decorating with stickers, cookie cutters, and markers. I too had such a great time spending time with her. It is the simple moments like these that make you so proud to be a parent. It just makes all those bad days so worth it. Holidays are really hard sometimes but I am so thankful for my

Shaelyn. She brings so much joy to my life. Moments like these, I think at least, are more for the parents than the children. We get so much from spending time with are dearest ones.

I somehow did not get a picture of the heart she made out of the star stickers. She is growing up so much. She was putting stickers on the pumpkin then says mommy I made a heart. Now, I am thinking oh fun I wonder with this is going to look like... She is four in January. I look and it looks like a heart! She makes me smile so much just watching her grow.