Well some good news came today. David is having a little boy that is due in January. Shaelyn is going to have a little brother. It is exciting but sad at the same time. Exciting because of a new life and a new family is being started, but sad because reality sometimes hurts. Shaelyn is going to have a hard life. All because I made bad choices. She is going to have two families who live completely different lives. I hope and pray that I am able to help her through all the hard times. Another hard or sad thing is that my family is gone. Yes, it has been for over a year but it still hurts to know that I could not make it work. I guess it just reminds me, haunts me, that if I could have only made things work that my family would still be together. I am not saying that I would ever go back. I would not. I am so happy now. I just miss the family that I had. Maybe just the thought of family. Like the thought of "that should have been me". Not the thought of I should be having his kid but I should be happily married and having more children. Well whatever, life goes on. I am patient lol... NOT! hehe. I told Shaelyn today and she got mad told me that she does not want a brother! She wants a sister! She does not like brothers! It made me laugh because coming from an only child of 3 1/2 years it was pretty cute. Like she knew that she got to choose. My girl is so cute. Her smile helps get me through each day.

MY QUILT!!!

I started making this quilt about 2 weeks ago and finished it last night. I started with only my brain for the pattern. It took me about 4 nights of a few hours to make it. This one is going to be given to my girl Shaelyn. Not bad for a first timer! I am now going to go buy material for matching aprons!!! I know my friend showed me one and it was way cute! Can you believe I am a regular homemaker! haha that was hilarious!

I went on a campout this weekend and had a blast. My friend Melissa came with me and I am glad she did. I would not have gone other wise. I was able to meet new people and get out of my little bubble of shyness for at least a weekend. Something that really hit me this weekend was something that was said during a spiritual thought by an old friend. He talked about how he might have been able to help someone stay in the church if he had not been ashamed of them and had just been their friend. I have this friend that wanted to be going to church with me and I took this person a few times but really did not want them there. I was just starting to go back to church and I did not want other people to think that I was like this person. I was reminded that everyone needs a little help sometimes and it is through our hands that His miracles or blessings can come true. I hope I will start to be the friend that this person deserves. I had a friend a long time ago that started going back to church and I was not yet ready. She did something that was unexcusable and just threw me away like I was nothing because I was not willing to change with her. I hope I can be a better person than that. People just need you to be there for them no matter what, like my Mom. She is the most wonderful person in the world. A lot of people do not really know my story, but here is a little peak at it. I fell away from the church when I was about 17 years old. I tried going back many times but was never really ready to. I married someone that I was completely in love with and he was even baptized into the church. We were married for a little over 3 years and we had a beautiful little girl. A year ago last week, I think, my Mom found out she had cancer. It was devastating. I got mad at Him. My mom does everything she is suppose to and yet he was willing to let her go through this. Then I went to see her. She was happy and not what I was expecting. She was strong and scared at the same time. She knew that He would help her through it and He would ease her pain. Before I left that day she asked me to make her a promise. That promise was to start going back to church and to make sure her granddaughter grew up in the church. I said I would. She was going through Kemo and Raditaion. She was throwing up and miserable. Yet, all she wanted was for me to come back to Him. All she cared about was me returning to church. She is wonderful and miraculous. through her hands He helped me. I went home that day and my life had completely changed. My husband was unsupportive and hurtful. I prayed for the first time in a long time and I knew what I was suppose to do. It took me about a week of fighting it but I asked him to leave and that I wanted a divorce. God never said it would be easy, but He did say it would be worth it. 6 to 7 months later my Mom sat beside me while I took out my endowment. I think about my life and where I might be if I had not made the changes that I needed. All I do is then smile because I did. I made the changes and I am happier now than I have ever been. Some people are able to live their lives with a testimony that never faltered. I was not one of those people. It took my world being turned upside down a few times before I was able to see. But I promise you that I will never turn my back on Him again. I wake up every day knowing that I am doing my best and I am happy because of it. I started listening to this Christian rock band called Fireflight. The song "What I've Overcome" has great meaning to me and if you get a chance listen to it on youtube.com. "I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome." Those words mean so much to me. I love the Gospel and everything that comes with it. My testimony may be as simple as a child's, but it is strong and immovable. I thank God for giving His son to us to give us a chance to come home to Him one day. I thank Jesus for giving up his life for us. I thank and love Him for giving me that 2nd or 10th chance that I needed. Life is still hard but I am not going through it alone anymore. I am thankful for the scriptures and the stories that I am able to read about everyday. They bring new perspectives to my life and help me get through. I am thankful for the ability to pray and ask for help. Prayer keeps me going. It reminds me that He is there just waiting for me to come home to him. I know that when life is hard for me at times that he is right there with me crying because I am. I know that I am going to make it home to Him. It is going to be tough, but I will. Trying to rasie a daughter is hard. Trying to go to school and work full time is hard. Trying to start my own business is hard. Trying to do all those things at once is even harder. But I am doing it and I know that I would not be where I am now if it were not for His guidance and His blessings. I hope that one day I can be His hands for someone else like my Mom was for me. I am sorry this is so long but I just have so much inside that I just felt I needed to get out.

Shaelyn and Mom

Shaelyn

A few more :)

If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it. Epictetus
( I need to remember this one and laugh more.)

Do not forget small kindnesses and do not remember small faults.

There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitessimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
(This one has been here before but I love it!)

Great Sayings

He who gives money gives much. He who gives time gives more. He who gives himself gives all. Thomas S. Monson

Life is not measures by the amount of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.

I just needed a little bit of inspiration today...

Temple Day Pics!

WOW!

So it is a new day! Well a whole new life! And I thought I couldn't be happier... I am just glowing and it feels great. I dunno if the world can handle me now! lol j/k. I am very thankful to those of you that were able to come and support me in such a huge step in my life. Thank you to those who tried but were unable to for various good reasons. I love you all. I am so thankful for my extended family coming when they only had a couple hours notice! I am so thankful for my friends and family, the support you have all shown me is so wonderful. I did not realize how many people cared about me. I am so thankful to my mom who was able to be next me. Not all women are blessed with the chance to have their mother by their side for it. I have such a great mother. Thank you for all the texts and phone calls that I recieved. My sister was even able to go into a session in Washington while I was in. I love my family! I would not be where I am at if it weren't for my family and friends. You all knew what I was capable of doing and becoming... You were patient (well most of you) and it happened. I just needed to be told that no matter what I was loved and was welcome home at anytime. My mother was the dad in the song "Hurry Home" by Jason Michael Carroll. She is my inspiration and hero. If I grow up to be half the women she is I will have succeeded in life. I just love you all and you are all so amazing and wonderful. I hope that you all know how much I love and appreciate you all. For those of you that have no idea why I am so happy now... I hope that you will search it out. The Temple is so wonderful. True happiness is so close for everyone. I would give anything to keep feeling the way I do. Okay I am done being a girl and all gooshy! I love you all!!!!

2 days!

2 more days!!!! I am so excited to be able to be recieving my endowment. I just wish that all my friends could be there with me. :( I do not even know how to feel. I do not know if I should be excited... scared... nervous... blah... or whatever else. I am having mixed feelings right now! But I can say that excitement keeps winning! I really do wish that Melissa could be there with me though :( I will definitely be at hers. So I guess that is a good thing! I had thought about fasting tomorrow to help me understand the things that I will be seeing and doing but then I decided that I am such a blonde! Why would I fast the day before? So the smart side of me came out and told me to fast all day on Wednesday and then go through the temple that night. :) That makes a lot more sense. I decided that I am glad I am doing this now and not waiting till I get married. A lot of people just go through the motions of going to the temple. They are going because that is what they have to do to be sealed to their spouse. I think that because I am going for only my endowment, that I will hopefully listen and pay more attention to what is going on. I have no other agenda. Therefore my mind and spirit can be right there. Okay so I will stop talking about it! I am just excited and all anyone ever talks to me about is how much harder things are going to be afterwards. How satan is going to work on me harder and everything else. It is like everyone is trying to scare me or something. I just have to say one thing... BRING IT ON!!!! I am so ready for whatever the world or satan has to throw at me. This chica is ready for it! I would prefer to not have to be tempted but if needs be I will overcome! I mean come on, look at everything I have gone through and made it out of? What does he really think he can do to try and bring me down? I have been to the bottom and there is no where but up for me.

Diets!!!

Okay so I started another diet 8 days ago. I started at 114 lbs and I have done great! I kept my calories at about 1,000 to 1,100. I exercised every day for about an hour sometimes 2. I even had sugar almost every day! Those days my calories were just a tad bit higher lol. So I weighed myself this morning and I am at 108!!!!! I have three more pounds to go!! I cannot believe how easy this has been. I lost 6 lbs in 8 days with just diet and exercise! I think it took me a little more than two months to get the first 20 pounds off. Then I gain a few back and now I am going all the way! I will stop when I hit 105! That is a perfect weight for me. Especially since I also have muscle now. It feels great to be skinny again! hehe They say that the last 5 pounds it the hardest... Well not so far!

Poor little Shaelyn was sick with the 24 hour bug. She threw up probably 10 times from 10 pm Tuesday night until about 4pm Wednesday night. The poor girl had a fever but couldn't hold anything down so I couldn't give her medicine. There is one good thing that comes from a child being sick... that is the love and attention that they crave from their parents! I love that part. She was feeling a lot better so she is with her daddy for about a week. I know this is horrible but I had the greatest night sleep last night! I went to bed at 9:30, fell asleep right away and woke up at 7! That was almost 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep! It felt great since the night before was horrible with her waking up all night long because of her fever.

The Temple

So I am kind of counting down now... 7 days left! I know it sounds a little funny but I really have been waiting years for this. Instead of going with a man, my mom is going through with me. It is kind of cool that although I was unable to make it while I was married I am able to do it now. It feels like I am being blessed for being patient. Well not exactly patient, but atleast waiting. It is pretty cool to think about how much I have changed. What a huge difference there is in the way I see myself and the way others see me. I love the change and can never see myself any other way now.

I just thought this picture was cute. It kinda made me

look like im trying ot be sly or something lol

Two new necklaces. They look a lot better on...

Perfection

So... I am far from perfect. No one can be perfect. But I have just got to say that my life is perfect. I am in the greatest place. I was speaking with a very wise man last night and he told me that He says it is my time. Years of searching for happiness and it was right in front of me. Or should I say right inside of me. I guess I just needed to change a few things and start anew. I have new friends and I am close to my family again. My mom is my best friend. I no longer have bad influences in my life and things are just going great. I am doing the last thing possible for me right now and it feels great. We are taught that if we follow the teachings of God and stay close to Him that we will be blessed. Well let me tell you! I am blessed in so many ways. The biggest one I think would be the fact that nothing gets me down. I mean ya I might get upset for a moment but then I realize I no longer have to suffer alone and I am then okay. I can say from personal experience that true happiness cannot be bought or achieved alone. You have to have Him right there next to you. Here is an example... (feel special I do not usually tell this story) I married my ex about four years ago and divorced him a year ago. I kept living the same way (partying), and I hated everyday. I felt like I was headed in the wrong direction and I ended up with my ex at a party and we got back together. We remarried because I was trying to do the right thing and go back to church. Things didn't work out for different reasons, but mainly because of the church, and we got divorced 6 months ago. I have not looked back once to ask myself if I was doing the right thing. I was an active member of the church and everything was going great for me. God helped me get through it this time. I cannot do anything without His help. I thank Him for every breath that I have. A lot of my old friends that have seen me wonder where the old Crazy Cassy went and I tell them that she grew up. Everyone has agency. My life would be better with a man in it but like I said everyone has agency. I cannot choose when I get married and so for now my life is as perfect as it can be. I just cannot believe I am going! I have wanted this for so many years and it is finally mine! I may be doing it single but I am doing it! I seriously just want to tell the world how great everyone's life could be. So I said before that my mom was my best friend. Well I think I might have lied. I think He is. Then my mom :) It is crazy that I finally deserve this. I have come a long way and I will/would never look bad.

My Jewelry Wall and a couple that I made

MEN!!! or boys..... Cont...

Okay, so I might have been a little moody that day... or maybe not....

MEN!!! or boys.....

I am really frustrated with guys. What is the point of playing games? I am completely open and honest from the beginning. If I were to rate myself from 1 to 10, 10 being the best when it comes to the church, I would be a 9. No question about it. I would say a 10 but no one is perfect. I have thoughts at times like wanting to strangle someone (lol) or not being the nicest to some people. Ya people make mistakes. But be honest! Do not waist my time! You could be the hottest, sweetest, and most charming guy around but if we do not have the same standards then it wont work. People date in hopes to one day find their partner. Why would I date someone who drinks if I wouldn't marry someone who drinks? I mean seriously, I hate waisting time and that is all that would be. I mean I married someone in hopes of changing them for good. People hardly ever change and I will not go into another relationship with false hopes and dreams. I do not like spending time with someone, start to like them, and then realize it would never work because the truth finally came out. I mean come on! Do you guys enjoy that? I mean hanging out as friends is cool. You can be whatever you want, but don't bring me down with you. I am who I am and I will not change. Relationships are built on trust. Why start it out in a lie? Maybe it is because of my past or whatever but I know what I want and I will not settle for anything less. O ya those of you who say you will start going to church and become active if we date... NO! Been there, done that. If you want to go to church I think that is awesome! But you are not going to start going because of me. I cannot be someone's crutch. If you want to know what I am looking for in a guy just ask... It is not like I am asking for a perfect guy. We all make mistakes. We all know I have made plenty of them! But I am who I want. Look at me and you will see what I want. But if you want details just ask :) I figured I would end on a pleasant note since I wasn't the sweetest little thing through this!

Shae's 3rd Birthday!

Birthdays and growing up

So I love birthdays... Well I used to love them. I still do not mind my birthday because lets face it beign 24 is not old. But when my daughter has a birthday if makes me feel really old. I mean she is turnign 3! 3! She is not a baby anymore... She talks to me and tells me how she feels. She has her own mind and attitude... She is learning so many things and I am just soo overwhelmed that it feels like she is growing up without me. I get to watch her grow up right now because I am home but as soon as I go back to work I will be missing so much again. I didn't even get to see her first step! I saw her take a step and I freaked out like wow I am seeing her first step and then I was told that she did that the other day and no one told me! I miss so much of her first's that I hate it. I hate the thought of having to go back to work. I want to be the one to teach her how to read and write. I want to teach her everything that she will learn. But because of my choices in life I cannot. I have to rely on a daycare to teach her the things that I am dying to do with her. Atleast I can say I helped teach her to count to 11! We are working on 12 but thirteen seems to always come next. I can also say that I helped her learn shapes and colors. Still in the process of both but most of the time she gets it. I want to be the one that teaches my girl to become a young lady. I want to be the one that is always there. I want to be like my mom. She was there when I got stung by a bee, when I scraped my knee, and any other crying fit I had. I want Shaelyn to be able to run to me everytime she gets her or just wants a hug!!!! I cannot wait till school is done and I can be there for her all the time. Well I guess so that I can be there for her more since I will still have to work. WHATEVER! Okay I think I am done ranting and raving... Happy Birthday to Shaelyn tomorrow!!! Wow I am a mom of a 3 year old girl. That is just crazy!

Thoughts

I have had a lot of thoughts running around in my head lately. Some are crazy funny and others way to serious! I have this thought that I am not going to say what it is exactly but it means going the extra step. It means making more promises and being accountable for more. I thought about it for a little while when I first got divorce about 6 months ago. Well the thought is back and it just seems to keep coming back. My mom says it is upto me but she doesn't think I will end up needing to. She is trying to marry me off by the way! Anyways... My life right now consists of me and my daughter. That is all I have to worry about right now. Should I wait until I get married and do it then or should I go for it. I mean even if I get married in 5 years more than likely he will already have done his. I have been pondering on this and cannot seem to come up with an answer. There is nothing bad that can come out of it, only good. I loved the feeling I got when I went with just what I have. I wonder what it will be like when I get it all. When I can go where I have never been before. My friend asked me about it today and it was just kind of funny since it is a serious struggle in my mind right now. Yes there are some clothes that I might have to get rid of because they are not quite up to par but not very many. Mainly just the sleeves are not quite long enough... I never wear shorts because they scare me... So that wont be a problem. I cannot figure out what my next step is. I feel like I am now in limbo... Like I am just waiting for the perfect guy to come along. I do not want to just be waiting. I want to be furthering myself. I mean it might be 5 years down the road! Should I really wait for something that can bless me now? If he doesn't have his taken out then I might feel bad that I couldn't wait but I am pretty sure he wouldn't be upset about it. Too many thoughts scrambling my brain! Couldn't it be as simple as a big neon sign saying yes or no?!?!

More Tim Tams PLEASE!!!!

Tim Tam Nights I did 14!!!

I went with my friend Melissa and did Baptisms today. I do not think I could be in a better place right now. Walking in the doors and just having a feeling of peace. There is no other place where things just feel so perfect... so right. Words cannot even describe the feelings. For the first time, I felt perfect. I could feel the strength inside of me. It was like a reminder that this is why I am here. This is why I am happy. I have something so strong and powerful holding me up. I am a single mother who fights everyday to feel like things are good for us. Well they are! I was supposed to get married and divorced so that I could have my beautiful daughter. My challenges are what made me who I am. I would not have the testimony of the atonement like I do if I had not needed it. I have such a great appreciation for those of you that do not need the atonement like I did. But I would not take any of it back. Although it took me a while, I am where I want to be. I love me! I was able to help and make other peoples dreams come true today. I was used for His will and it felt great. Sorry I had to get this out! It was killing me all bundled up inside!

What a great day!

Okay, so I went in to see my Bishop for tithing settlement... After that he asks me if there is anything else and I said well I need to set up an appointment to get my recommend. He says that he has the time right now. So guess what?!?! It has been about 9 or 10 years, but I now have a Temple Recommend!!! I have got to say that this is probably one of the great feelings ever!!! I couldn't be happier right now! It is like everything is just starting to fall into place. Now if only a man would come along!!! hehe

Dancing

Where I found her when she woke up from her nap.

There is seriously something worng with this picture!!!

Chrissy and Bobby

Tim Tam Slam Night!

Last year

So I have been looking back at the past year and wondering to myself if it was worth it. It was! I had some really rough times with trying to make things work with my ex and then realizing that it never would. It took my mom being diagnosed with cancer to come to terms with myself. I mean I always knew it would not work but I really wanted it to for Shaelyn. I mean she deserves a real family. About half way through the year I started going back to church after being away for almost 8 years. I then got divorced and had all the fun with that since... It is hard to say goodbye to someone that you loved for many years. I guess I should say that it is hard to say goodbye to the person I thought he was. It is crazy to think that for the first time in a long time I am finally happy. Anyways I have been going to church ever since and am really enjoying life. Yes I have my ups and downs like every other person that is alone but I cope. I have made new friends this last year and I started dancing again! O ya I also started making my own jewerly since the jewelery I buy is kinda expensive and since I have only one income it is a little hard to please that hobby of mine. I was able to spend more time with my daughter and school went really well! Last year was a great year for me. Granted I have no significant other but I have friends that I can spend time with instead. Last year was focused on me becoming me again, since I had lost myself for a long time. This year is going to be focused on whatever He wants me to do. But do not think that I am completely unselfish because I am hoping that it works in my favor!

New Years Resolution!!!

Okay so I am not a fan of resolutions because they are almost all superficial. They are about losing weight or whatever else. I understand that one, but I think that people need to put more thought into it. I have heard people say that they are going to read the Book of Mormon all the way through. That is a great one! I already set that goal about a month ago. I have a hard time understanding what it is I am reading so I started reading the Book of Mormon Made Easy. I LOVE IT!!! So I cannot use that as a resolution. I started thinking about other things to help better myself in the eyes of the Lord (sorry to anyone who is not religious). Well a couple weeks ago I was at church and they need people to sign up for cleaning the Visitors Center at the Temple. I am not sure why but I volunteered. When I went there, there was a devotional that was done by the supervisor. It was great. I felt like he was talking right to me. Just a little insight it was about remembering that everything we have is from God. That we would not be able to breath if it weren't for Him. I had a blessing a few days before that and I was told that I needed to be patient and that the closer I grow to Him the sooner I will have what I am waiting for. The devotional talked about other things that I am not going to put in here since it really struck home with me and almost made me cry. These things are not for just anyone to know!!! So after we cleaned and I was at home I started to think about how it made me feel. I decided that it was time to start giving of myself and my time to the Lord. I do not have a lot of time once school and work start back up but I am going to make sure that I spend time atleast once a week doing service for others. How can I ask for things from the Lord if I am not giving him anything in return? I am only asking for one thing from Him but it is pretty huge so I think I have a lot of service to do :)

"Happiness resides not in posessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dweels in the soul." Democritus

"Try not to become a man of success but a man of value." Albert Einstein

"The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be." Horace Bushnell

From April

A friend is... someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today just the way you are.

Christmas Morning