A new day.

So I am doing better. Not a lot better but I am moving forward. I have to admit that I saw him. I really could not focus without thinking of him. I felt like I was going to die without him. He made me so happy. He was so great. He is going to make a girl very happy one day.

I felt like after making the decision to leave him that the Lord had abandoned me. I was in such a bad way that I thought maybe I had made the wrong decision. You could see what I was going through from my previous entry but times it by 100 by the time Sunday came around. I asked for a Bishops blessing for comfort. I called "him" later that day and went to him. It felt so good to see him. It felt so good to be in his arms again. But something felt wrong. I could not figure it out. I just knew my heart was finally not aching.

I went to the temple yesterday, fasted, and went to see my Bishop again. I was still very confused. I could not figure out why I was not receiving an answer to something that was so important. Is he the one? I still felt abandoned. I went home and spoke with my mom. We talked for a while. She explained to me things that I did not think about myself.

I already knew the answer. The Lord did not abandon me. He was simply waiting for me to realize that He already told me what I needed to do. I was questioning the Lord. I was questioning His answer to me. I knew what I needed to do. I knew that I needed to leave him.

I did not want to. I wanted to go back to him. I loved him. I gave him my whole heart. I wanted to marry him and I did not want to listen to the Lord. I wanted the Lord to change His answer. That is why I was not receiving any answers later. I did not want the answer He already gave me.

So after all that I broke up with him AGAIN. Although we did say that we were going to take it slow this time and we were not going to jump into it. So we were technically not "together" but you know what I mean.

The last few weeks have been so hard. I know that I truly love him. But for whatever reason... It is not right. I dunno how I am going to handle it this time. But I do know that the Lord is here for me. That He is helping me overcome this pain. The Lord loves me and He would never abandon me. So I will not abandon Him.

I need to have faith in Him. That He has a plan for me. It may not be what I want right now but I will be happy later. When? Only He knows that. I just need to trust Him. I need to TRUST that He will come through with his promises to me. I just need to hold onto Him.

Today is a new day and I will hold my head up. Tears may be in my eyes, but my head will be held up high. I deserve to be happy. I deserve the path that the Lord has for me. At least I can say that I trust Him and I love Him. More than I love myself. For the first time in my life I can say that I am showing my Heavenly Father that I love Him more than myself.

I am not perfect. I will make more mistakes. But He will still love me. So I need to show Him that I love Him.

I am back :)

Well I went to Washington and had a blast! Getting to spend 16 days with my sisters and their families was amazing. The three of us went to the Temple in Kennewick and did sealings. It was the first time any of us had gone in with each other. It was an amazing feeling. Being there and knowing that we will make it, together. I am so thankful for my family. They are always there when I need them. They support me in everything that I do. They love me no matter what and I can turn to them for anything. They gave me advice and support while I was there and it felt great to be able to just talk to them.
I am still hurting though. Up until 9 days ago I was still talking to him. He wanted to be friends. But he was still telling me that he loved me. Wanting to see me when I came home. It hurt so much to say goodbye to him. I loved him. Love him still. I can honestly say that only 2 days in the past three weeks have gone by without tears. 2 days! I miss him like crazy. There is not a time during the day that goes by without the hope and longing for a text from him or call. But I also do not want it. We need to be apart. But I hate it. I go to WalMart and think of him. I drive down the road hoping to get just a glance of him driving past. He lives a mile and a half away and I cannot see him. I thought that the time away would get me over him. That maybe he was just a phase. Maybe he would be like the other guys and I would get over him easily. I thought wrong. I am home and so close to him. I cannot imagine what tomorrow will be like when I know he is not going to be in it.
I miss his family. His brother and sisters. His son and his parents. I miss the way he treated my girl. I miss the way they played. I miss the way he helped when I was unable to control her. I miss everything about him. I miss how he spent all day with me at work when there he could have been doing anything else. I miss the way he would pull my ring off my right hand and place it on my left. I miss his crazy playing. I miss his closeness. I miss his kiss. I even miss his unshaved kisses. I miss being held by him. I miss saying goodbye everynight when we both wanted to stay together and never have to say goodbye. I miss his eyes. I miss falling for him everytime we spoke. I miss him. I miss us.
How do you let go of something that made you feel this way? How do you move on from what feels like your whole world?