A new day.

So I am doing better. Not a lot better but I am moving forward. I have to admit that I saw him. I really could not focus without thinking of him. I felt like I was going to die without him. He made me so happy. He was so great. He is going to make a girl very happy one day.

I felt like after making the decision to leave him that the Lord had abandoned me. I was in such a bad way that I thought maybe I had made the wrong decision. You could see what I was going through from my previous entry but times it by 100 by the time Sunday came around. I asked for a Bishops blessing for comfort. I called "him" later that day and went to him. It felt so good to see him. It felt so good to be in his arms again. But something felt wrong. I could not figure it out. I just knew my heart was finally not aching.

I went to the temple yesterday, fasted, and went to see my Bishop again. I was still very confused. I could not figure out why I was not receiving an answer to something that was so important. Is he the one? I still felt abandoned. I went home and spoke with my mom. We talked for a while. She explained to me things that I did not think about myself.

I already knew the answer. The Lord did not abandon me. He was simply waiting for me to realize that He already told me what I needed to do. I was questioning the Lord. I was questioning His answer to me. I knew what I needed to do. I knew that I needed to leave him.

I did not want to. I wanted to go back to him. I loved him. I gave him my whole heart. I wanted to marry him and I did not want to listen to the Lord. I wanted the Lord to change His answer. That is why I was not receiving any answers later. I did not want the answer He already gave me.

So after all that I broke up with him AGAIN. Although we did say that we were going to take it slow this time and we were not going to jump into it. So we were technically not "together" but you know what I mean.

The last few weeks have been so hard. I know that I truly love him. But for whatever reason... It is not right. I dunno how I am going to handle it this time. But I do know that the Lord is here for me. That He is helping me overcome this pain. The Lord loves me and He would never abandon me. So I will not abandon Him.

I need to have faith in Him. That He has a plan for me. It may not be what I want right now but I will be happy later. When? Only He knows that. I just need to trust Him. I need to TRUST that He will come through with his promises to me. I just need to hold onto Him.

Today is a new day and I will hold my head up. Tears may be in my eyes, but my head will be held up high. I deserve to be happy. I deserve the path that the Lord has for me. At least I can say that I trust Him and I love Him. More than I love myself. For the first time in my life I can say that I am showing my Heavenly Father that I love Him more than myself.

I am not perfect. I will make more mistakes. But He will still love me. So I need to show Him that I love Him.